The Closing?

Today is The Day! The Day I sign the ‘docs’ for the ‘closing’....
Of course, I thought this 5 days ago, too.

Everyone had assured me that the ‘docs’ were ready to sign. Or ready to go. Or on their way.

Hell no. The ‘docs’ never made an appearance. They were waylaid somewhere enroute.

Who knows where.

My Mortgage Guy didn’t know: “I sent them all the information they need. They should have it. But sometimes these things are out of our control. I do my part. You do your part. They do....”
“They don’t do their part?” I interrupt, joking but not. Who the hell is ‘they’ anyway? What the hell are the ‘docs’?

Was it all confusing and vague enough?

No, not yet.

I call Daphne. She’s in Tahoe at a family reunion watching babies while the men folk are out golfing. “The docs should be there. We’ll just have to wait and see. But in the meantime, I’ll keep you posted. You should be able to sign today. I told Armani to call you. Did he get a hold of you?”
“Uh, no, but I haven’t checked my email,” I shout into the cell phone.
“Okay, well, he should be calling you. Meanwhile, wish me luck with all these babies.”
I don’t want to ask how many. Or why she got stuck with them. She’s a saint. I already know that cuz of the rails among other things.
“I tell you, I don’t know how I ever did it,” she jokes.
I laugh, “Yeah, I don’t either. Never did it myself and never will.”
She giggles. “Yeah, I don’t miss it. So....”
I hear a squealing baby in the background. “Whoopsy! Okay, gotta go, but I’ll keep you posted, Carol. Don’t worry.”

Worry? Me? Never.

I call Armani.

“Hello, Carol?” he answers on the first ring.
“Armani?”
“Yes, Carol?”
“Yes,” I pause, hating the cell phone. I can’t hear a damn thing. So many communication devices, so little communication.
“I tried to call you on your other numbers, but I’m glad you called.”
“Am I going to be able to sign the papers to close today?”
“Well, I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell right now. The docs should be at Escrow, but they’re not there yet so I’ll keep you posted. Sometimes with these underwriters they have to dot every i and cross every t.”
I nod into the phone. Goddamn Underwriters. Perfectionism is to blame for the delay now?

They didn’t seem to demand perfection with the rails, thank god.

“I guess I’ll just wait to hear from you?” I ask instead of voicing my Underwriter Distaste Syndrome.
“Yes, I will keep in contact. I will send you a text message now with my cell so you can call me at that number too.”
“Okay, thanks.”

I hang up the phone. I wait for the text.

It never arrives.

I sigh.

It is all so stupid.

Where are the goddamn ‘docs’?

They never showed up on this day.

But today?

Hooray!
They are there. Where? At Daphne’s.
They are Traveling Docs and the Mobile Notary will be there.

It’s all set. Even if the Mobile Notary does sound like she’s driving a Blood Bank.

Well, I do feel like I’m giving blood.
A lot of it.

Just hope I don’t faint like I did last time I gave blood.

That would be a bad thing, don’t you think?

I will eat lots of preventative fainting foodstuffs in preparation for the Event of the Signing of the Docs, for Today is the Day. It’s gotta be, right?