A Homeowner's First Day

“I can’t believe it!” Daphne exclaims, running down the steps of the front porch. “They took the lockbox!”

Parked in front of The Mansion I turn off the Geo. After all the rigmarole of the last week with the waiting for the KEYS, now what? I sigh to myself. Today was supposed to be THE DAY, finally!

And now it seems the Keys weren’t here?

Shit.

And the plumber was due imminently. What the hell was I gonna do if I couldn’t get into the house.

Shit again. Pun intended.

I climb out of the car and follow Daphne round to the back of the house where she’s frantically running around peering at the ground (looking for stray keys?) with her cell phone glued to her ear.

“Does this mean we can’t get in?” I ask, defeated.
“Oh, no!” she cries, shaking her head. “We’ll get in. Don’t worry. I’m calling them right now. They said to wait till 5 and it’s 5:15 and so .....no.....we’ll get ‘em.”
“Is it the REOgirls again?” I try to joke but it’s not funny. These goddamn REOgirls know how to make a new homeowner’s blood boil.

“Yup, but wait a minute.... Yes, hello? This is Daphne Stevens-Traverson..... Yes, and we’re at 6969 33rdst Street and the lockbox is gone. You told me I could give her the keys today at 5 and she’s here and.....okay...yes....okay.....”
Daphne strides quickly to the front of the house, and bends down to pick up a brick under the big cactus trees, “Okay, yup, they’re here. Thanks!”

Grabbing the keys from under the brick, she dangles them in front of me, grinning triumphantly as she hangs up the phone. Marching up the front steps she places the key in the lock and turns it and....

It works!

Giggling, she hands them to me, “I wanted to try it first since I had to rework all the locks yesterday but seems like no problem today. Here you try it. It’s a little tricky. It actually turns the opposite way that you’d think....”

She demonstrates for me with the deadbolt and then I give it a try. It is a little tricky, but I’ve got it. We wander into the living room and gaze in wonder at the shadows playing on the pale green walls. I give her a big hug. Damn. It feels good to finally turn the key in the lock and have the place be mine?

Can it be?

But it does feel surreal. I never thought I’d own a home and now I do and now what?

“HELLO????”
A large amiable Latino clomps up the front steps and pushes at the screen door, “HELLLO?” he calls again.

Daphne and I turn around to behold, Pepe. He grins over at us, “You order plumber?”
“Yes, oh thanks for coming,” I walk over to shake hands with him. “I need the bathroom fixed and....”

I start to explain all the bathroom issues, the main one being a leaking toilet and then a very slow drain from in the tub. Pepe nods. He knows what he’s about. “Sure, no problem. But you want replace the toilet really?” He shakes his head, examining the culprit. “I fix it for you right now if you no want to replace it.” He eyes me seriously. Daphne backs away, “It’s your call,” she smiles.

And it is. “You can fix it right now?” I ask to confirm.
“Yes. It is no problem.”

Beaming, I nod. How fantastic. It’ll be one less workman to deal with in the next 3 weeks if he can fix it now. “That would be so great if you can fix it now," I exclaim. "And snake the tub too?”
Pepe nods, heading back out to his truck to gather his tools.

Daphne and I head into the kitchen where she narrates to me her Lock Story. It’s a tedious saga, but again, I’m just so thankful she’s around. Evidently when the Reogirls sent their lock guy to change all the locks, he fucked them all up and they didn’t work. Daphne, my Security Angel, spent her Sunday at Home Depot buying new locks and a Strike board, whatever the hell that is, and.....

“HEY LADIES!!!!” Pepe hollers from the bathroom, “You want to see what I find?”
“Sure!” Daphne sprints to the bathroom.

I’m a little more reticent. I honesty don’t want to see what he’s found. Especially, if he’s talking about the tub and what he’s snaked out. It can only be something truly disgusting; my inherent squeamishness won’t take such a finding well.

Nevertheless, it’s my house now, so guess I better see what I bought.

As I peer around Daphne, we behold Pepe squatting in the tub holding a huge wet black mass of .......

It looks like several dead tarantulas strung together into a mass of disgusting.....

“It is the hairs!” Pepe grins. “Lot and lot of Hairs!”

He holds the disgusting Black Gunk Ball aloft for us to examine.
“Wow!” Daphne exclaims, suitably impressed. “No wonder the drain was slow.”
I nod, trying to quell my nausea. I can’t take my eyes off the dangling Black Mass no matter how much I’d like to.

Oh the joys of being a homeowner, I think, shuddering. “Uh....yeah....that would explain it,” I agree with Daphne.

Shrugging, Pepe jams the snake back into the drain, “Let see what else I find. This one it is The Hairs and Q-tips and .....”
“That’s great,” I nod, backing away.

I honestly don’t need an inventory of the make-up of the Black Gunk Ball. That’s why I hired Pepe to do the dirty work, as it were.

And it is Dirty Work. Something that I’m happy not to do or witness. Yet, now that I’m a Homeowner, there will, no doubt, be plenty of ‘Dirty Work’ to be done.

I don’t relish it. This is the part of the Process that I’m dreading. All of the work that needs to be done before I move in.

So, Pepe saves me today. And it feels good to have The Hairs out of my tub and into the garbage.

Tomorrow?

The painter.

Why oh why didn’t I buy a place that was ‘move in ready’?

Like that little condo in the Marina Bay that I looked at a year ago. With the pure white walls that might have needed one quick coat of paint. A kitchen complete with appliances and garbage disposal. (I still remember gleefully clapping my hands over this mechanism and Daphne’s perplexed look---she’s excited about a garbage disposal? Okay, I’ll make a note of that)

The little balcony had a view of the green belt and pond and fountain. A sleek black cat stalked unsuccessfully a Canada goose.

It had been quite idyllic, but yet.....it had been the very first place I had looked at. The asking price had been $109,000 which I knew was a good price for the Bay Area, but the place lacked what?

Character?
Charm?
Its own four walls?
A Black Gunk Ball?

This is what led me to where I am today. But so much has transpired in the last year.

I wonder if I could list all of the places I’ve looked at?

That’s another blog for sure.

For today, it’s Hallelujah for the Keys and Praise the Lord for Pepe the Plumber!